The Big 3-0

I am 30. I'm sitting out on my patio in beautiful 80 degree weather reflecting on my life and realize I am now 30. Yeah, so I'm a few weeks into being 30, so what? I don't feel 30. My sister teasing me about being the big 3-0, my parents alarm at having two children now 30+, even my mom-in-law's amusement of her having a boyfriend 4 years older than me does not make it seem any real. I've been told I look like I'm still in high school (as long as the gray hair is kept carefully dyed). I get odd stares in public if I have my kids with me and forgot to put the wedding band on, although, that sometimes raises a few eyebrows my way as well. So my age doesn't really bother me. Except then I start to think and calculate and then the dread and old fears of dying without having done something worth recording creep back up on me.

I start thinking, well, my grandmother died at 84 - so that gives me 54 more years. And if the first 30 went by in a flash what's to say the next 30 won't as well? If in the 10 years since I first realized my own mortality - I have done nothing of importance or of great significance, what then will my legacy be to the world? I haven't written the novel I wanted to at 20. I have the first two paragraphs written and then gave up. I don't have the job I love to wake up each morning for - in fact, I am one of the many unemployed during this recession. I learned how to process mortgage loans in my early 20's and now that the recession has caused the mortgage business to be turned on it's head, applications are down and loan processors are no longer in demand.

I have been unemployed for 4 months now and it has given me a lot to think about in between the cooking, cleaning and caring for the kids that have become my full-time occupation now. And I have come to several conclusions. I am the reason for not realizing my full potential. I am the one who gave up on college. I am the one who decided to stop writing my novel and gave myself as many assinine reasons I could think of on why I couldn't write the novel. And it is time I stop with the excuses and blaming every thing and every one but myself.

So, I have decided at 30 years of age to go back to school. I thought long and hard on what my plan should be. At first I thought I would get a degree to be a radiologic technician or sonographer, but then I came across a degree much more my style. I am going to study for a Bachelor of Science degree in Interdisciplinary Studies. My three areas of study will be Art, History and Religion. I then plan to study for a Master's in Library Science. I would love to find a job as a librarian or as an archivist. My love of books has been the only constant in my world and what better occupation than where I can be surrounded by them? My goal is to finish by the time I am 35.

Right now, what is getting me through these uncertain days is my firm belief I will emerge the other end as a college graduate and a source of inspiration for my kids.